i was gonna make this private...but w/e. if it doesnt make sense to you...its not supposed to. if it does...great
I always play it safe...
i may have mentioned in an earlier blog as to why i do this...(you just gonna have to scrooolll down lol)
every where i go i play it SAFE...it frustrates the hell out of me....wow as i type this Kanye says "youre worried bout the wrong thanng the wrong thaanng. why are u so paranoid?"(i stay on mtv)
YESS i am paranoid. im scared to trust. Im scared to trust myself and people around me. I live in fear of rejection and unaccpetance STILL. Although everyday it does not stare me dead in the face...it stays on my heels wherever i go. I know that i have to let go of being so afraid and find my inner strenght that i KNOW is there. In the meantime i have to find people that are supportive of who i really am and know that i have many different sides to me and not just one.
There is one person that knows my different sides..
my boyfriend. most of the time he doesnt ask to know...i just switch gears mid convo...he doesnt understand it but he knows me almost all the way around. No im not crazy or bipolar....lol. I always involve change.
Back to my point...
I sit back and watch others enjoy their lives and mope around feeling sad for myself wondering why cant i have those same things? I dont know the real meaning of being a go getter just yet. Its a horrible horrible thing i know but i cant figure out how to let go of my fears. I sometimes feel lost and not in control of my own life. There are days..many many many days that i feel that my life is taking the wheel and im just dragging along trying to keep up. I havent yet learned how to get a grip of whats going on and be the boss. There are times when i feel like no sort of emotion lives inside me and all i can think about is me because who else could be worthy of my trust??? I know it sounds mean but i dont know how to value others like i should and find the good in them before the bad. Hopefully soon i will begin to fully understand what i need to do to be able to really trust people and myself.
Maybe if i learn to trust others and let people in my world and find the good in them my life will begin to look like my dreams....or close. I cant keep running for everything and expecting things to come to me. I have to go to whatever it is that i want...maybe even run to those things before its too late. I cant keep hiding things.
Last school year i noticed was so dry. I expected things to land in my lap and guess what? nothing ever did. i would have to be a fool to think that way over again. IM DONE WONDERING WHAT IF! ITS TIME FOR SOME ACTION....seriously. im facing myself and my flaws and dealing with them to turn my life around....
8 Wrote Back...:
out of those last 3 paragraphs...the 1st two really hit home for me!!!
earlier this year, i learned something: Fear Will keep you away from so many things, but often it keeps TOO Many things away from you!!! we miss out when we live our lives in fear....i've been learning the hard way....
well good morning. i think its interesting that i found someone who is up at the same time as me for i too am suffering some serious insomnia as well..this is mainly due to my moving into a new apartment and just not feeling settled just yet. but enuff about me...lolz
i totally feel where you are coming from. firstly i used to feel the same way about starting over...like i should just find a way to keep going but i've always been the person to look for a clean slate to start over. let me tell you that life is a bunch of "starting overs" so i say embrace it when you feel amped to try something new or try something again.
as for friends..i believe that the people we need in our lives will come when we are prepared for them. surrounding yourself with people that really care about you may lead you to realize that this is only a handful of people..and thats okay too. your bf is one of those..so who else? it wont be many..but the people that do care about you will be evident when you really think about it.
i say that you should enjoy your college years as best as you can. try to spend time discovering all the things that YOU want to do. embrace the UNIQUE part of you. love ALL of you. once you are ON the right track of doing that..you'll start to see people in a different light. they wont be able to hurt you or get to you as they do. and the right friends and loved ones will start to flock towards your light.
its a journey that i still struggle with but its the best advice i got! hope sleeps finds you tonight!
OMG! I could totally copy/paste this into a new post on my blog site..and aaaaaaaaalllll of this would apply to me. Seems like were in the SAME kinda situation...with the exact same thoughts, confusion, and expecations. Feels soooooo good to know I'm not alone, nor crazy! The only thing I can def say is... the text below is MAAANNNY steps in the right direction!
"Maybe if i learn to trust others and let people in my world and find the good in them my life will begin to look like my dreams....or close. I cant keep running for everything and expecting things to come to me. I have to go to whatever it is that i want...maybe even run to those things before its too late. I cant keep hiding things."
Good luck...Hopefully we both figure things out! =/
-Kelly of *AF* xoxo
www.theafgirls.com
Girl I totally can relate to you. I'm in high school now and I just want to go to another high school and start fresh while there is nothing wrong with where i'm at. I had to learn how to enjoy the moment and i can't be any happier now.
wow!! i felt like i was writing this at some points lol!
first i wanna say i would stop playing it so "safe" live a little! take risks its gives life some edge! and in the end makes u a stronger person!! its hard to trust but eveybody is not a bad person....try it!!
and OMG i thought i was the only other person who stops mid convo and changes it totally!!! lol cool!!!
and theres no need to mope around!!!!life is wat u make it of u seem to be going n the right direction by facing that facts!!! im still tryna come clean with myself!! lol
but remember only you control how u feel!! let ya hair down and face the world as a strong young woman not afraid of change and learning to trust!!
what doesnt kill you will only make u stronger...trust me im still working on things myself!!!
thanks for reading our blog!
good luck! u got this!!!!
kiyyah of*AF*
Thanks for sharing this because I'm positive you touched someone else. My favorite part is when you say "IM DONE WONDERING WHAT IF! ITS TIME FOR SOME ACTION..."...its like you threw all those bad feelings out there and you are preparing to throw them away! I luv it. Everyday is a new day, a new Begining.
i completely understand your point of view. I believe that your time hasnt come yet and you're growing up and learning as well.I am in the exact situation as you. i feel like sometimes its my fault, i let opportunities and things pass me by without enjoying it and living life to the fullest.my mom always told me that life is full of ups and downs. people can be impatient and want to live life fast. but you have a long road ahead of you. its just that your timing hasnt come yet. dont look at other people lives because 99.999% of the time, they are unhappy and they want people to think that they are happy which they are not. it just that we only see thier exterior not their interior. so dont worry about it and just be grateful for the things that you have in life.
*Clapping* Good for you! You gotta grab life like a bull by the horns! It's tough, and I can totally relate. Just know, you're definitely not alone. Most of us walk around feeling or thinking the same no matter what the exterior reveals. I personally have a hard time trusting also, but you have to do your best to put that fear aside to truly live and enjoy life. Only got one life, so you gotta live it up!
~Nina of *AF*
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