Hiiii Everyone!!

im up here watching real housewives of Atlanta!!! yall im soooooooo excited to finally go back home tomorrow!! omg!! i cant wait, im usually not this excited but idk. Last time i went home it was for a funeral so.....that speaks for its self.Im about to wash clothes and pack and i will update later!! in the meantime check out myyoutube! and please support me and subscribe and rate!! i kinda just started out so i need your feedback and video ideas!! Kissessss!!

Heres a little eye candyyyy lol sweeet!!

*I straightened my hair today ^

MySesssyy pose lol ^

My shirt and accessories i wore today...i felt kinda cute today!

P.s Dont 4get to check out my youtube channel!!! i wanna see you there mmmkay?!!!hehe

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Loooonggg day!!

Okay maybe im just a lazy bum but today has been so long for me omg!!

Got up early for class after only 2 hrs of sleep and i have so much work to do tomorrow. Thats supposed to be my "chill day" but not gonna happen! Im happy that these classes are about to end though! I really am because i need a vacation...or something like it.

Okay so confession: I have a HUUUUUUUGEEE fear of talking infront of groups of people. I mean ive gotten better over the years but still! I get so anxious/nervous about things like that lol. Do any of you have fears of being in front of groups of people? Like whenever you have to go up and talk about something school related that you dont really like??

Im going to bed super early tonight and make a better than half assed post tommorow since i havent been on here that much.

Oh yea, thanks to you readers that gave me very very positive wonderful advice! I was so grateful to receive that sort of thing from you! That reall helped and thanks sooo so much

Smooches

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Bare Blogging

i was gonna make this private...but w/e. if it doesnt make sense to you...its not supposed to. if it does...great

Its almost 3am and im still awake. i cant sleep at all cause i cant stop thinking. I keep thinking about the life that im SUPPOSED to live and asking myself whats stopping me?after hours of contemplation and blaming another ive found that it is me who holds me back and its about time that i realize it. I realized that everywhere i have been i have never really been happy and in search of a new start. In high school i was so glad to transfer to a new high school to start over...then i was SOOOO ready to start over fresh in college. Now guess what?? Yea, i want to start over again...well i wanted to before i thought deeply about it. Why cant i embrace the moments that are happening right now? I know that it is past time for me to make life what I want it to be and not make my life according to how someone else wants it or what would make them happy.

I always play it safe...

i may have mentioned in an earlier blog as to why i do this...(you just gonna have to scrooolll down lol)

every where i go i play it SAFE...it frustrates the hell out of me....wow as i type this Kanye says "youre worried bout the wrong thanng the wrong thaanng. why are u so paranoid?"(i stay on mtv)

YESS i am paranoid. im scared to trust. Im scared to trust myself and people around me. I live in fear of rejection and unaccpetance STILL. Although everyday it does not stare me dead in the face...it stays on my heels wherever i go. I know that i have to let go of being so afraid and find my inner strenght that i KNOW is there. In the meantime i have to find people that are supportive of who i really am and know that i have many different sides to me and not just one.

There is one person that knows my different sides..

my boyfriend. most of the time he doesnt ask to know...i just switch gears mid convo...he doesnt understand it but he knows me almost all the way around. No im not crazy or bipolar....lol. I always involve change.

Back to my point...

I sit back and watch others enjoy their lives and mope around feeling sad for myself wondering why cant i have those same things? I dont know the real meaning of being a go getter just yet. Its a horrible horrible thing i know but i cant figure out how to let go of my fears. I sometimes feel lost and not in control of my own life. There are days..many many many days that i feel that my life is taking the wheel and im just dragging along trying to keep up. I havent yet learned how to get a grip of whats going on and be the boss. There are times when i feel like no sort of emotion lives inside me and all i can think about is me because who else could be worthy of my trust??? I know it sounds mean but i dont know how to value others like i should and find the good in them before the bad. Hopefully soon i will begin to fully understand what i need to do to be able to really trust people and myself.

Maybe if i learn to trust others and let people in my world and find the good in them my life will begin to look like my dreams....or close. I cant keep running for everything and expecting things to come to me. I have to go to whatever it is that i want...maybe even run to those things before its too late. I cant keep hiding things.

Last school year i noticed was so dry. I expected things to land in my lap and guess what? nothing ever did. i would have to be a fool to think that way over again. IM DONE WONDERING WHAT IF! ITS TIME FOR SOME ACTION....seriously. im facing myself and my flaws and dealing with them to turn my life around....

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Nightmares n Dreamscapes

Do yall remember that show???

Well...

I just woke up from the absolute worst dream i have ever remembered having. Not one bad dream but 2. I woke up late for class this morning so i decided to stay in and do some work and study for a test i have soon. One of my assignments was to watch this movie called Amazing Grace. The movie was just TOOOO slow for me so i kept falling asleep.

The first time i fell asleep my grandmother was next to me sleeping in my dream(i mean me and her are really close and all but dang). So i turn over to the other side a little and i look up and there is a figure looking over me and i couldnt see his face. He had long hair and i could tell from his hands that he was really old. (Naw it wasnt Jesus lol) i dont know how im so scared and im still able to joke about this! But its was almost an evil feeling. As i tried and tried to close my eyes and move I couldnt. I couldnt move, scream, talk or anything. ive had those paralyzed dreams many times but never with someone in them. I mean everything felt entirely real and i was scared he was gonna kill me or something. Finally i managed completely wakeup. Now when i woke up i didn think too much of it because i was still trying to watch that movie.

Once again i fell asleep and this time i was in a room with my mom and cousins and friends all watching childhood videos of me. I get a text message from some guy and in it he told me not to say these two words (im not gonna type them until i know an actual meaning) or the government would bomb your house (lol i know this sounds dumb). So apparently everyone was getting this text and some idiots actually said the words outloud and next thing i know missles were attacking the building i live in. Foreal it felt SOO extremely realistic. However, to make a long story short....Me, my mom, and aunt all went running for the door to go in the opposite direction. My mom tells me to go back and get some of my things while my aunt is waiting outside the door. I go back in and alllll these people are inside and some girl that was burned from head to toe. So i run in to get some things and my mom calls me and says shes at the train station....im wondering why in the HELL did she leave me and my aunt. More and more missles were attacking the building and finally i woke up.

Okay. usually i dont have bad dreams. most of the time i dont even remember my dreams. but something like this truley scared me sooooo bad. Usually when i dream something disturbing and remember it my roomate has a disturbing dream as well. I dont know if this even meant anything i just know that it scared the mess out of me. Im too old to be havin bad dreams lol. I know some people dream things and they actually come to life. However my last dream was a little too far fetched to actually happen.....

Have any of you had experiences like this? Did any of them actually happen??

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Dont Stop til You Get Enough

Warning: My blog layout is acting wierd because there are alot of pictures....disregard the combining of the two entries...sorry!

Anybody watch the memorial service today??

I must say i LOVE i mean absolutely LOVE Mariah Carey but what the heck is going on with her live performances???? She sounds so.......different nowadays....BUT i still love her!!

The memorial service was good i guess i mean it was a concert in my eyes but the end is what really got me when MJ's daughter spoke. I was like OMG soo sad....a tear fell :{ She was like her dad was the best father in the world or something like that and you could tell she was trying so hard to hold back tears. That has got to be really tough for someone so young to deal with a death like that......

How was everyones fourth of JULY?? I know im kinda late asking BUT better late than never rightt??riiiiiight? well alrighty then!!!

Mine was fabulous. I had alot of fun and did alot of shopping with my boo. He conviced me to get my first namebrand piece of clothing ever lol

I got a red polo button up and its cute...simple, but cute. Good thing we went to the outlet because if it was the real store yall better believer i would NOT have had that lol. Im really not a namebrand person AT ALL i mean i find way cuter stuff for cheaper....a whole lot cheaper. That way i can get more clothes!! I refuse to spend money on name brand stuff...but since we were at the outlet i was like what the heck...i might as well. OOOOO and i got a GUESS purse from Ross for $40...well i didnt buy it but its so cute!! it was originally $110 and Ross slashed that price DOWN! whoop whoop! its cute and summery looking and i love it!

Oh yea...i got some items from amiclubwear.com and.....i was pretty dissapointed. I mean out of all like 6 items..i only like 2...well 1 1/2. I kinda like that shirt...on a lazy day. I guess you live and you learn right? In this case i learned.....this website is only for clubwear and shoess! Nothing in between. I mean others may have had better luck and good for you but me? not so much smh

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